Joan Rivers can strike terror in the hearts of even the heartiest and best-traveled of red carpet footsloggers. Beyond her vicious barbs, her grasp on industry facts is iffy at best (she once greeted Ron Howard and Brian Grazer with a cordial, Names! ), and then there s the small matter of her face a fiberglass death-mask, polished by workers to a high sheen before every TV Guide channel awards show appearance.

It doesn t take a psychology major, however, to figure out that behind those dead, plastic eyes is a woman with the same needs and wants as all of us. On a recent appearance on Howard Stern s show, Joan admitted that she wasn t above testing the internet dating waters, and in fact had a profile up on Match.com. MySpace user Not a 12 Yr. Old Girl (in fact, a 30-year-old man) plugged in a few key search words ( blond, menopausal, etc.) and came up with what has to be Joan s Match.com profile:

About me and what I m looking for

I ve been told that I am very good looking for my age and am very funny. I have made my living for years as a comedy writer for TV and movies as well as writing one liners for my boss. If I were to meet someone and we clicked, I would be delighted. [ ]

More of Joan's Match.com personal ad after the jump.

My husband died 17 years ago and I recently terminated a 9-year relationship. I have one child and a grandchild who I love very much. I have a lot of friends I travel in snappy circles (my best friend is a Countess ) My life has been and continues to be an amazing adventure.

I love smart men, funny men, elegant men. If I had to choose between Brad Pitt stripped to the waist or an old George Clooney in a dinner jacket, George would win hands down.

She quite unabashedly lists her turn-ons, which include "money, power, and sarcasm," but it's her turn-offs that run towards the more curiously idiosynchratic: "Body piercings, long hair, skinny dipping, thrills, tattoos," all of which throws a pail of cold water on our fantasy of seeing a head-over-heels-in-love Joan on the back of Kid Rock's Harley, heading up a Michigan backroad to his favorite secret bungee-jumping spot.

• Joan Needs Love Too [MySpace.com]
• TELEVISION REVIEW; What's to Discuss if We Can't Talk About Dresses? [NY Times]

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