Jun 7, 2007 12:44 PM
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Hollywood, 10:46 AM
Thu Sep 2
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[Note: A thrilling UPDATE after the jump!] We at Defamer realize that there's no way that our readers can be expected to continue on with their day with an explanation for Paris Hilton's unexpected release from prison as maddeningly vague as "an unspecified medical condition" hanging in the air, and so in the interest of restoring you to productivity, we note this anonymously sourced explanation of the heiress's mystery malady:
Sources close to the Hilton family tell ET the medical reason was actually a rash she developed on her body.
We'll refrain from unwarranted speculation that "rash" is a euphemism for the outbreak of some social disease for which Hilton has a valid prescription, and instead laud the Sheriff's Department for its compassion in allowing the afflicted heiress to return home for the duration of her sentence. There, under the assiduous medical supervision of trusty manservant Elliot Mintz, she can get the treatment she so desperately needs, with Mintz's hourly application of a topical cream to Hilton's affected areas far surpassing the attention she could receive from the overtaxed staff of the detention facility.
UPDATE: A report by TMZ returns us to our earlier speculation that Hilton's release was tied to her evaluation as "psychologically bummed", as they claim she was sent home after a psychiatrist determined she was at risk for a nervous breakdown. We can only hope that being returned to the comfort of her home, where she can be surrounded by her loving menagerie instead of inmates chanting that they want to cut out her hair extensions with rusty spoons, will somehow reduce the chances she might experience a psychological break.
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