"Listen, lady, neither of us is too excited about this arrangement, OK? You're an actress. Just fucking smile for the cameras, pretend that you can't keep your hands off me, and my associates in the cute, little sailor suits won't burn down your parents' house in Toledo. Are we clear? Oh, and my Church has the most effective non-pharmacological solution for oral herpes in the world. We're headed straight to the Centre once these shutter-monkeys have had their fill. Until then, I'm only kissing your ear."

[Photo: Katie Holmes Pictures]

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