NY Daily News JV gossip Lloyd Grove, like many men before and many still to come, has been driven insane by Paris Hilton's vagina. Today, he tears his hair, lets out a bloodcurdling shriek, and scrawls "NO MORE PARIS!" on the newsroom wall in red Sharpie:

But on the "Today" show this morning, I'm planning to announce my New Year's resolution: going cold turkey. No more Paris Hilton. [...]

If she discovers a cure for cancer, wins the Nobel Peace Prize, launches herself into outer space - or even gets her high-school diploma - I'll be happy to revisit the issue.

This brave move will certainly test Grove's resolve, because we hear that Hilton's New Year's resolution is to blow Jimmy Carter on the space shuttle while taking her GED exam.

Rest assured, however, that the Gawker Media Empire will continue to cover every last twitch of Hilton's crazymaking genitalia. Unlike the courageous Grove, we are so very weak.

• We'll never have Paris again [NY Daily News]
• We Never Thought Lloyd Grove Would Be The Bigger Man [Gawker]


• HPWSE: Paris, Lindsay, And The Curious Case Of The Disappearing Sidekicks [Defamer]

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