Paris Hilton has finally broken her deafening media silence in the wake of her Sidekick hacking. Hilton, slathered in the cocoa butter of suffering and gently baking to death in the tropical hellfire of Aruba, threw up her hands and let loose a primal mumble to an uncaring God (by way of His preferred conduit, a writer for US Weekly):

"I don't know why this stuff always happens to me, but I wish it wouldn't anymore," the vampy 24-year-old told Us Weekly in her first interview since her cell phone was breached.

"It's too upsetting for me - I can't believe it," she said from a beachfront hotel in Aruba where she is vacationing with her new boyfriend, Paris Latsis.

Hilton briefly contemplated her lot as Jehovah's plaything before taking another mojito from a half-succubus cabana boy, sighing helplessly as she slowly imbibed the Lord's minty bile.

• Paris is burning in cell hell [NY Daily News]


• Paris Hilton Hacked! [Defamer]

Contact information for this author is not available.