How the mighty have fallen. Back in the day, Madonna would only be caught dead in a nun's habit if she had splashed blood all over the crotch and stapled half a baby doll to it, with some stigmata on her hands for good, if somewhat symbolically suspect, measure. Now she's been reduced to showing up at Kabbalah costume parties in a half-hearted nod to her publicity-mongering roots. Sad. Maybe Guy Ritchie's got an altar boy strapped to an inflatable phallus that looks like the Pope's hat? Please? We desperately need something to believe in.

• Like a virgin again! [News of the World UK]

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