Just as the LAT reports that a search for MPAA head/pirate hunter Jack Valenti's successor is in full swing, Valenti manages to seize control of Sen. Orrin Hatch's body at a Capitol Hill hearing on peer-to-peer file-sharing. Said the Valenti-possessed Senator, "In the film 'Chitty Chitty Bang Bang,' the leering Childcatcher lured children into danger with false promises of free lollipops. Tragically, some corporations now seem to think that they can legally profit by inducing children to steal, that they can legally lure children and others with false promises of free music." Nodding subtly in Valenti's direction, his eyes dancing pinwheels, he continued, "Children think they're getting the latest Spice Girls song for free, but they're actually downloading rape-crazed pedophiles in eyepatches directly into their home. And after they tear Mom and Dad limb from limb and bugger the family dog, they're coming for Junior. I will spare you the details of what they do with the lollipops."

• Jack's jazzed [Variety, sub. req'd.]


• Hollywood to Start Narrowing Search for Valenti's Successor [LAT, reg/ req'd.]
• Valenti: Time To Start Suing Pirates [Defamer]


• Jack Valenti: Cigarettes Are Stealing Our Movies! [Defamer]

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