Like an unexpected gut-shot from an Alzheimer's-afflicted mobster uncle, the weekend box office numbers:

1. Failure to Launch—$24.6 million
A nation still reeling from Crash's stunning upset at the Oscars wasn't ready for any more surprises, and thus sought out the comfort food of Matthew McConaughey, People's Sexiest Man Who Would Agree To Pose For Our Cover On Short Notice, and Sarah Jessica Parker, America's Sweetheart Until Someone Younger and Cuter Finally Steps Up, doing the romantic comedy tango —the cinematic equivalent of sitting on the couch alone and punishing two pints of Haagen Das during a Sex and the City marathon.

2. The Shaggy Dog—$16 million
Overall, we're pretty happy with Tim Allen's career choices; as long as he continues to make a nice living churning out bad family movies, we may never have to see him work again.

3. The Hills Have Eyes—$15.5 million
No studio will ever go broke by choosing its entire development slate solely from the offerings of the VHS clearance bin at Blockbuster.

4. 16 Blocks—$7.3 million
Declining Action Superstar Fun Fact: Willis' last two starring vehicles (16 Blocks and Hostage) opened to a combined $22 million. He may never get that $1.5 million in masseuses and trainers again.

5. Tyler Perry's Madea's Family Reunion—$7 million
In this post-Crash era, we no longer feel comfortable making the standard, tired, "We're white, so we can pretend we don't know who Tyler Perry is" joke. But we reserve the right to make a movie about our guilt over this compromise.

• 'Failure to Launch' Rockets Past Remakes [Box Office Mojo]

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