EDM Ken-doll and Taylor Swift consort Calvin Harris was seen leaving a Thai massage parlor on Sunset Boulevard earlier this week, after spending two hours inside. Radar reported the spot Harris visited received raves on Yelp as the best “happy ending” spot in town, conjuring visions of a normal human man casting about for relief from his obligations to an exquisite celebrity android. But when it comes to professional handjobs, there are more reliable sources than Yelp, and, apparently, more reliable massage parlors than In Thai Spa.

Men who seek out happy endings at Asian erotic massage parlors—“mongers,” in the parlance of their particular internet subculture—collect intel and trade stories on sites like sites like RubMaps.com, EroticMP.com, and SpaHunters.com. Vice (of course) extensively investigated the monger scene back in December, and found that these guys are more than willing to talk, in open and graphic terms, about the services they receive.

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In other words, if Calvin Harris was presented with the opportunity to participate in a sex act at the massage parlor in which he spent two mysterious hours, the mongers would know about it.

Only one of the big three review sites, RubMaps, had a listing for In Thai Spa, the $40-an-hour joint Harris was photographed happily walking out of. Six reviewers tested the waters there in 2013 and 2014, and the general consensus was this: The women working there give great massages, but they’re not jerking anyone off.

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“I thought that Amy was attractive but knew that this Thai spot would be a risk,” writes one veteran RubMaps user, who’s reviewed 31 massage parlors on the site:

“I found her to be very pretty and attractive but Amy was one that was only a legitimate masseuse. She worked hard and looked good while doing it but she wasn’t dressed in a whore type of way or anything like that which is what I wanted.

Her massages were good and relieved my tension in the body. The conversations were pretty straight forward and she seemed to only do CMT [certified massage therapist] type techniques.

It was hard not to get a HE [happy ending] From her especially since she was so cute but it was not offered so I had no choice but to take a great massage experience.”

Other users, who pay $14.95 a month to read and write reviews on RubMaps, agree: Amy is “definitely competent as a CMT,” and she’s also competent at putting up with grotesque pawings from dudes who think they’re getting more than they paid for.

“She gave great attention to my ass without penetrating or touching my balls,” writes one dissatisfied customer, who gave a five-star “massage rating,” but only one star for “service.”

“She let me run my hands over her ass, but would move (without comment) when I got too adventurous. At the end of the massage, she gave me about a 90 second pressure massage through a towel in the only spot that matters. All in all, a decent massage and I tipped her $10.”

The other masseuses at In Thai have to put up with similar treatment, and similarly do not give handjobs.

Another customer writes, “Sophia is very good with the massage there was one near Hollywood that does a good job, but this place is pretty comparable. Those Thai stretches feel bomb man. Love that part of the massage. Even with that though, I wouldn’t have minded if she played with my cock. Not that cute but it’s dark enough in here where you wouldn’t have to see her face. Told her next time I come in, to please and do the HJ.”

Maybe next time! (Probably not.)

“The chicks are nasty,” our final monger summed up, “and you won’t get the HE here. But this is just my review, I didn’t even try to get the HE to be honest. She is friendly enough though that things may happen, but I just wasn’t into her looks.”

So, what are the chances Calvin Harris got his alleged genitals massaged at Hollywood’s alleged “best happy ending” massage parlor? Not good.

If Harris was on a mission for some sweet handie action, and assuming he’s not a RubMaps-level connoisseur, he may have been misled by Yelp’s search engine. In Thai Spa is indeed the top search result for “happy ending” in Hollywood, but it’s also the top result for “massage,” which is what Yelp tries to suggest instead.

Though one reason it ranks so high for “happy ending” seems to be this review by a Sam P.:

“Get your mind out of the gutter. There’s no happy ending. Not even a happy beginning. This isn’t the neighborhood Bangkok whore. This place is legit.”

How reliable is Sam P.? To find out, definitively, whether or not In Thai Spa offers happy endings to its clientele, Gawker.com interim Editor-In-Chief Leah Beckmann (conveniently, a recent L.A. transplant) paid the parlor a a visit.

“I said I was making an appointment for my boyfriend for his birthday,” Beckmann exclusively told Gawker.com.

She says she “asked for something special” for her boyfriend, but was told “they don’t do that.”

There you have it. Calvin Harris, who is in a warm and human relationship with Taylor Swift, probably just received a much-needed long, hard, legit massage. For two hours.

[Photo: Getty Images]