Another year, another Emmys, another reason that I'll be missing the penultimate Breaking Bad episode (that and the fact that I haven't seen any of Breaking Bad prior to this).
Join me and Gawker's Caity Weaver, Max Read, and Rich Juzwiak as we live blog our way through the statues awarded to people not good enough to win an Oscar. Let's do this.
(RJ): Wow, no Mariah/Nicki bickering in the awards-show-arguing montage. That's shade.
(CW): I didn't watch or hear any of that. Did anything happen?
(BS): Nothing happened in 9 minutes of this show being on.
(RJ): NPH talked at several screens.
(BS): I'm sad when NPH has to laugh at his own jokes.
(RJ): OH MY GOD THE MULTI-SCREEN EXPERIENCE CONTINUES. Caity, opinion on the Paula Deen joke?
(CW): I like that he said "Not soon enough."
(BS): OH MY GOD AMY AND TINA. EVERYTHING IS BETTER NOW.
(RJ): I wish we could just watch them sit there and eat popcorn.
(BS): Three hours of Tina and Amy eating food is my ultimate Emmy experience.
(RJ): Close up to Quinto on the Neil Patrick Harris package joke. Because gay men love dick.
(BS): What category is this? Why are there so many women in it?
(MR): I don't think this is a category so much as a list of every woman on TV.
(CW): First Weaver win of the night.
(BS): BEST SPEECH EVER.
(CW): Seems like a waste to get all the comedy awards out of the way first since they're the only fun ones to watch.
(MR): That ping pong joke was gross.
(BS): I love Emily so much more than Zooey. What is going on with Zooey's eyebrows?
(RJ): Is Zooey high or just crying? Why does Zoey always talk like she just drank a pint of heavy cream?
(BS): I love buster!
(RJ): Robin Williams is never not in Genie from Aladdin mode
(RJ): Let's just all say an adjective after everything that happens. That would be a good live blog. Good. Bad. Ugly.
(CW): I caught like 40% of what he said
(RJ): Sad. Happy. Funny.
(BS): Okay, hey, how's this work. Beejoli is running an errand. This is A.J. Daulerio of Celebuzz. Celebbuzz? Either way, hey guys. RETINOL.
(BS): I'm doing the commercials. RETINOL. Celebbuzzzfdladf;lakdfj;dfla BYE.
Beejoli: why is Will so orange?
(RJ): orange is the new white person
(who is will?)
(BS): Amy > Will; not that there was a question, but absolutley on basis of color
Rich: Ann Chlumsky looks like Courtney Love
(BS): Anna Chlumsky looks like Courtney Love showered
(BS): Are bra straps the new ball gown? Good for Gail though. I love her
Love when old people make Blurred Line jokes
(RJ): This woman is drunk
Play off her playlist
(BS): The bar outside is SO expensive though
(RJ): LOL, anti-"Poker Face" joke
What a good one
OH SHIT A TITS JOKE
(CW): Was there a boob joke?
"them, I mean, her"
(CW): I missed it. I don't see color.
(RJ): re: Vergara's breasts
He said Kimmel was excited to present with "them"
(BS): what is happening with sofia's look
(RJ): "i mean her"
(BS): she is literally just...boobs
(RJ): Yeah, that's cool with me!
(BS): she doesn't even look good. she just looks boobs.
(RJ): Boobs are the new Will Arnett's skintone
(BS): I still don't get how Sofia Vergara is FUNNY
(RJ): ESL is hiLARious
(BS): Death came to
I would like one of you to say that at my funeral later this year
(RJ): I like when people's life echoes their work
(BS): AJ's take on this tribute was "why do they pay tribute to old people who die? Old people JUST DIE it's not a big deal"
(RJ): Shemar Moore is struggling
(BS): Shemar Moore was once an actor
Now he is the male Christina Milian
(RJ): That's 'cause he pretty
Matt Damon looks like a MAN
He's no longer boyish
(BS): Michael Douglas looks like a wax figure
(BS): Elton John looks so toned down in that sparkly blue suit
That's the best he could bring for a Liberace tribute? Cmon
(RJ): Can they move Elton's cue cards up?
(CW): The Emmys should just be video of a 3-hour Elton John concert.
(CW): Is this what watching How I Met Your Mother is like?
(BS): Connie Britton fake gasping at FNL
not that funny but because it's Connie, LOVE
(CW): If Anne Hathaway did that, she would be burned alive.
(BS): henry brommel died earlier this year...because Abu Nazir murdered him
(BS): everybody hates skyler white except the academy
(RJ): She's gonna cry about how mean people are about Skyler
(BS): They had to give it to her after he op-ed
That op-ed was nowhere nearly specific enough, btw.
(BS): they could have done better for Finn Hudson
(CW): Jane Lynch nailed her use of the word "rapacious."
<strong" data-mce-style="line-height: 1.6;">(RJ):<span" data-mce-style="line-height: 1.6;"> She looked pretty proud of it.
(BS): She Shift F7'd "greedy" in her original speech
and thought that one sounded best
(RJ): "there's still 90 minutes to go
Tonight meta jumped the shark
Once the Emmys get to shit, it's over
Paula Deen racism
(BS): I assume NPH waiting this long to sing is like when you ask a guy to hang on and finishw ith you during sex and they want to kill you
(BS): oh my god why does she look like that
(BS): I love Kerry Washington but what is going on with her dress
Did Broomhilda design it?
Diahann Carroll's eye roll is at Kerry's dress.
Kerry Washington's dress looks like what you'd design during a bridal shower party game with toilet paper.
Michael Douglas should get Jon Hamm's beard. Instant HPV throat cancer block.
Best dental dam EVER.
(RJ): Are we still in supporting?
That the Emmys are a lot more structured than the Oscars
(BS): Oooh I actually care about this category.
If Aaron Paul wins how often do you think he'll say BITCH?
(RJ): Oscars are just all over the place
(BS): I love Bobby Cannavale.
Is he married to Rose Byrne?! She kissed him!
(RJ): Mike is PISSED,
This is a nice speech
(BS): I bet Jake is NOT watching his dad with his dormmates right now.
(RJ): All right enough
PLAY IT LOUDER
(RJ): Ann Chlumsky vigorously nodding to Jeff's singing of HBO's praises
(CW): You deserve to get played out early if you use your speech time to make jokes at the expense of others. Like the AARP!!!!!!!!
(BS): Okay Jeff Daniels, you don't start quoting arcane literary references when they're already musically playing you off stage.
(CW): wait is this a memorial tribute
(BS): I don't even understand what is happening here. A history lesson? How did we switch from Kennedy to the Beatles.
(BS): A more interesting history of TV would be a history of my dad trying to buy a TV at Costco. It has equally scarred many an American.
(RJ): "Yesterday." I'm putting on socks.
(BS): He said Carrie Underwood, I heard Kerry Washington. Now I'm sad.
(BS): Carrie Underwood in a one shoulder gown yet again She is going to lose that right shoulder to hypothermia one day
(BS): Love that they had to cut to Lorne Michaels as soon as Jimmy Fallon was announced Pay respect to Lorne.
What is Jimmy Fallon doing and why was it funny?
Can we just call it a Kerry/Connie two way tie? AGAIN? CLAIRE AGAIN?
(BS): Daenerys Targareyn never looks good when she's not wearing a burlap bikini
(BS): This microphone is taller than Bob Newhart and that is adorable
WHO JUST MAGICALLY SHRANK IT DOWN?
(CW): Did he say "Let's not find out who they are?"
(RJ): GREAT puppets
Oh my god Oprah naming the names
(CW): THIS IS THE BEST
(RJ): This is also meta
(BS): If this whole show was done with puppets it'd be mUCH BETTER
(RJ): That Oprah bit was so good
(BS): I love when they do the rundown of writers because it gives me guys to look up on Facebook that I might be able to date
Heeeey Bill Oakley, what up.
(RJ): Twerking jokes
(BS): Only took 127 minutes for a twerking joke to show up. Can I cut off my arm now?
(RJ): There was one earlier. If not more than one.
(RJ): This guy keeps talking about how cool he is
Cool story, bro. "Emmy thinks I'm cool."
(BS): Why did this old man just tell all the pedophiles where to find his high school age daughter by announcing her school?
(CW): Who was he?
(BS): Does he get a free year of private school for name checking them at the Emmys?
(BS): Is this dance number really happening or am I having an acid flashback?
(CW): The American Horror Story dance was amazing
(RJ): LOL "Get Lucky"
It was. I liked the crazy girl! She was wild, you could tell by her hair.
(BS): Where is Travis Wall? I only care about Travis Wall's number.
(RJ): Just what Breaking Bad was missing: dubstep.
(BS): I'm not crying yet so it can't have happened so far. Look at this Indian dancer in a wig. I love him. Indians don't have that much rhythm. I bet it's just a really tan white boy.
(RJ): Indians don't have much rhythm? What about all of those Bollywood dance numbers?
(BS): Not in hip hop #EDMMYS!!
(RJ): Good one
(BS): No, why is Shemar back
(RJ): If Shemar is on something, what is it? Barbiturates?
(CW): I have no idea who that man is.
(BS): "I actually thought that was someone doing a Shemar moore impersonation." - AJ
(CW): I have never seen him before.
(BS): Kaley Cuoco is definitely applying for that industry internship.
AJ is nonstop playing fart noises over the Emmys and I can't do my job Max. I forgot Dennis Farina died and I'm bummed.
(BS): Famous Jett Jackson, gone too soon.
(BS): 50% of the people who cheered for Greg Berlanti during the Burstyn speech cheered because he was hot
The other 50% only cheered in hopes he'll cast them in something soon
Nine minutes left guys. Only nine minutes.
(BS): Who wrote these jokes for NPH? They are not good.
(RJ): Bryan Cranston and Claire Danes is a wonderful combo
(BS): "I smell a three way" is the best you can get on network TV and this is why cable is kicking everyone's ass.
Regardless of who wins between Matt Damon and Michael Douglas they're both going home and boning each other so they all win, don't they?
(RJ): Do you know that I haven't cared about anything all night? I am not rooting for anyone.
"This was a two-hander" Hahaha, what a weirdo. Michael Douglas would totally jack a dude off.
Like if you ran into him in a sauna. He would jerk you off, just to be, like, a fellow man.
(BS): Michael Douglas gay jokes!
(RJ): It's deeper than that.
(BS): Michael Douglas will not be celebrating this win mouth down in someone's vagina.
(RJ): More complex.
(CW): Where is Michael Douglas' son Cameron?
(BS): "I would like to thank my wife, that STD riddled whore"
(CW): Oh, he's in jail.
(RJ): Phil Spector aired the night of the Black Party. Fun fact.
(BS): I would just ONCE like them to cut to Elton John's reaction
(RJ): That woman on the stairs! And she almost tripped onstage
(BS): I don't know what this ad is about Much like Homeland S3
(RJ): Do you think Homeland is going to win again?
(BS): Now that Claire won, kind of
The Emmys love to award things like jumping the shark
(RJ): Can you really drive 700 miles on a single tank?
(BS): Will Ferrell is never funny to me. Go home George W., you're drunk.
(RJ): This is a funny bit. The kids are good.
(BS): Where are the former winners to announce it? If Big Bang or Girls win, I quit.
(RJ): I guess only the Oscars does that.
(BS): Modern Family wins the best comedy Emmy and the VERY first shot is Sofia Vergara's boobs bouncing up to the ceiling in joy.
(BS): LOVE Sofia Vergara's shade throwing look when Levitan said "None of us grew up as winners." Sofifi did. Those boobs won everything.
(BS): Breaking Bad Mic Drop!
(RJ): That's the only show I care about.
(BS): All the Emmy gift bags came with a gram of meth.
(BS): Jimmy Fallon attempting to do a timestep recap is still great. Listen, crappy show or not we can all agree: THANK GOD THEY BARELY FOCUSED ON LENA DUNHAM.