Hollywood rumors are as outrageous as they are complicated. Let’s get real: how on earth could you coax a gerbil into a butthole? And how could Jamie Lee Curtis hide her tiny penis from wardrobe all these years? Not to mention Paul from The Wonder Years. How could he be sucking his own dick and playing in a band when he’s clearly working right here? Speaking of dick sucking, if it’s impossible to drink a gallon of milk, how could someone ever drink a gallon of semen?
But this isn’t to say all Hollywood rumors are bullshit. Masseuses help verify them, first-hand butt-lickers and toe-slurping recipients speak out, and iPhone cameras don’t hurt either. Sometimes the outrageous and complicated are actually true.
Because of this, Defamer is launching a new series: Fact or FUCKED UP? Here we’ll address rumors we’ve heard and ask for help in determining whether these stories are indeed fact or simply fucked up.
Today we begin with Matt Damon, who is quick to remind us in this month’s Esquire that his life, unlike that of his pal Brad Pitt, is totally boring and unworthy of press coverage:
If I'm not jumping up and down on a bar, or lighting something on fire, or cheating on my wife, there's not really any story to tell. They can try to stake me out, but they're always going to get the same story — middle-aged married guy with four kids. So as long as that narrative doesn't change too much, there's no appetite for it.
But this runs contrary to a story I’ve heard twice—with slight variation—over the last year. Damon might not be dancing on tables or making out with your sorority sister, but is he really just a boring middle-aged married guy with four kids? According to one teller of the tale, Damon is far less normal and far....dirtier than you could ever imagine:
I’m telling you, Matt Damon likes to hire prostitutes to wrestle when he’s bored on sets. And not only does he like to hire prostitutes, but he goes out of his way to hire little person prostitutes. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. When he’s out of the country, he gets his assistants to track down and bring in the tiny men and Damon likes to mud wrestle with them in front of all of his friends. After he’s done, he lets other people wrestle too, but he always makes sure he gets firsties.
This seems unlikely, given that Damon generally does, at least based on interviews, practice good behavior on set. It’s also likely that this rumor stems from his performance in The Good Shepherd where his character is forced to wrestle for his fraternity initiation. Then again, that might make the rumor more believable as the man has extensive professional experience with mud wrestling. Perhaps he enjoyed it just enough to do it again, but not enough to do it with full-sized men? The jury’s still out on this one but it could definitely change the Matt Damon narrative a teeny tiny bit.
[Art by Sam Woolley.]