Thanksgiving is upon us, and it's a wonderful reminder of one very important thing: there is no such thing as fun for the whole family. Rather than endure another battle over [insert tired trope here of dinner table argument fodder: racist uncles, womens studies major siblings, Obamacare, etc.], why not take part in the next best American pastime after overeating? Bad movies, of course.
Watching a movie with your relatives still counts as family time, after all, with the added blessing of not having to speak to those fucking psychos while doing it. Enter: the Defamer Thanksgiving Movie Roundup. With the end of the year nigh, Hollywood has pumped out every possible film to appeal to your family's own special blend of crazy.
What It's About: Idina Menzel plays to her strengths, as an animated bitchy sorcereress; this time the Snow Queen who has plunged an entire Disney universe into perpetual winter. Much like Wicked, her sweet, blonde sister is out to help her see the error of her ways. There is some sort of adorable Snowman sidekick. I think he might die if Kristen Bell, the Snow Queen's sister, gets her way, but Disney glosses over that in the trailers.
Who It's For: Large families with lots of incredibly precocious yet annoying children. Your creepy 27 year old cousin from Virginia who never grew out of loving everything Disney. White people.
Who It's Not For: Frosty devotees. Anyone who hasn't had children and doesn't understand that spiking your Icee with vodka and praying your kids don't whine for an hour and a half is truly what the Thanksgiving spirit is all about.
What It's About: Jason Statham action movie, written by Sylvester Stallone. Are you really expecting a plot? (Also, James Franco is a meth kingpin, so really, no plot worth speaking of here.)
Who It's For: People who don't have discerning taste. Teenage boys. Bored housewives who wish their husbands looked like Jason Statham, and got dragged to this as payback for the time they made their spouses watch The Help.
Who It's Not For: Anyone who read that Sylvester Stallone wrote the script and immediately thought, "Wait, Sly is literate?"
What It's About: Johnny Knoxville offers a geriatric take on his usual Jackass stunts. Against all odds, it's supposedly hilarious. America! We have bad taste.
Who It's For: Teenage boys. Men who are still boys. The boyfriend you absolutely should not have brought to Thanksgiving dinner.
Who It's Not For: Your actual grandpa. (Unless your grandpa is chill as hell, in which case, by all means.)
What It's About: Based on a Langston Hughes play of the same name, a young Baltimore teenager is sent to live with his family in New York after his mother is evicted from her apartment. Along the way, he learns about family, faith, and divine intervention.
Who It's For: Those who say grace at the Thanksgiving table, and are totally okay with the turkey going cold to listen to what everyone is thankful for this year. Fans of The Best Man Holiday (which is everyone, because that movie is amazing and it killed at the box office when it opened). Anyone who realizes the only upside to a Sex and the City movie is Jennifer Hudson.
THE HUNGER GAMES: CATCHING FIRE
What It's About: Kids are still killing kids for the communist Capitol's shits and giggles.
Who It's For: Tweens. Parents of tweens who are tired of finding one too many stiffened tube socks under their sons beds. People who support a free market economy.
Who It's Not For: Communisits. Those who morally oppose senseless killing for sport, even in a fictionalized universe. My dad, who thinks that this is "that movie about starving children in the jungle."
What It's About: Even though they rejected the free tagline I offered of "Four best friends. Las Vegas. One pack of Depends. What could go wrong?" (and the free title: The Hangover 85), I will swallow my pride and tell you to go see this brave movie that bucks Hollywood trends by casting a 60 year old actress as its sexy supporting lead.
Who It's For: Morally bankrupt 30-somethings who want to take the AARP set to the movies as a last ditch effort to make it into their will. Your actual bad grandpa. My dad.
Who It's Not For: Youths. Anyone waiting for Ken Jeong to pop out of an ice cooler. Catherine Zeta-Jones.
What It's About: Spike Lee remakes the 2003 Korean cult classic, this time starring Josh Brolin as a business man held captive in a room for 20 years, and the violent turns his life takes upon release, as he searches for answers and revenge. This remake has been in development almost since the the original came out, and was repeatedly pushed back on by studios due to the near-excessive amounts of violence. Consider yourself warned, and stock up on barf bags.
Who It's For: Idiots who funded Spike Lee's Kickstarter, even though he's capable of securing studio funding for films. Fans of senseless violence who are too old to watch The Hunger Games. Barbra Streisand.
Who It's Not For: Anyone still full from Thanksgiving dinner. Hipsters who bemoan American bastardization of international classics. Diane Lane.
THOR: THE DARK WORLD
What It's About: Brothers Thor and Loki—currently antagonists, due to Loki's war crimes in The Avengers—reunite against a Dark Elf to save Asgard, the Earth (maybe, I have no idea), and Thor's weird love of utterly unremarkable scientist Jane Foster. But really, let's strip it down to what it is: hot brawny men duking it out repeatedly and often.
Who It's For: Families—there's something here to appeal to everyone: Chris Hemsworth's muscles for the ladies, Tom Hiddleston's charms for the less attractive ladies, Natalie Portman as a rag doll for the men, and cool superheroes for the kids.
Who It's Not For: Anyone who needs things like storylines to sustain them. People who hate fun.
[Art by Sam Woolley]