In a perfect world, nobody would be forced to choose between two attractive men. In a perfect world, two attractive men would be available in any capacity for interested parties to access at any time. These attractive men, in a perfect world, would be both famous and rich and often in the spotlight.
But it is not a perfect world.
Forget the fact that actors Chris Pratt and Channing Tatum are happily married :). Toss aside the notion that you and I are too plebeian and homely for either actor to desire us, let alone think about bringing us as their dates to even the Madrid red carpet of their third least-hyped film. That is irrelevant. The true injustice is knowing that in this hypothetical universe I have constructed for you, you must choose between Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum. These are the rules. I am in charge. Make your decision wisely.
We are not strangers to tough choices at Defamer, as we’ve documented for you in our most recent Gawker poll: Dadbod vs. Rippedbod. Of 20,000 votes submitted, 61 percent of our readers preferred Chris Pratt’s newly minted Rippedbod over his former, flabbier (and more adorable) Dadbod. The results, of course, were something of a shock. But now, as is our prerogative, the ante has been upped and the hypotheticals are more extreme.
Perhaps you saw Jurassic World, a film starring Chris Pratt, this weekend. He was, to say the least, boring and not great. One thing that can be said, however, is that his face, limbs, and body were a thing to behold. Tanned, muscly, and sexy. He was boring in the film mostly because he couldn’t be his best self: lovable, soft, kind-eyed, chubby, and as of recently, very hot. Pratt is a double-threat: he is your boy next door with a set of abs, and all he wants to do is get high with you and make you laugh, maybe bake up a few trays of Pizza Bagels. Low-key and loving. Netflix. Seamless. Goofy. Slightly stupid. And fuckable.
In less than two weeks, we’ll see a different kind of leading man. Channing Tatum—who is ripped, confident, a little crass, and a smidge spunky—stars in the reboot of Magic Mike, Magic Mike: XXL. Gawker Staff Writer Jordan Sargent described the movie’s teaser trailer as “triggering” because Tatum dancing to Ginuwine’s “Pony” is the stuff of the most vivid wet dreams. There he is—straddling a chair. There he is, cruising in the passenger seat of a convertible with a perfectly molded backwards cap. There he is, turning his chiseled body into a vessel for female sextainment.
But there, also, is Tatum in real life, being more endearing than celebrities are meant to be: writing emails in all caps, losing his backpack on the streets of New York City, grinding by himself on a Gay Pride float in LA. Tatum, like Pratt, is fun to watch in real life and in fake. Need we say more?
Pratt and Tatum are, to many, flip sides of the same coin. They are fit then occasionally fat; they are fun-loving and boyishly endearing; their jokes are not intellectual but they still make you laugh. They were seemingly put on this planet to have a little fun and fuck a few good women (men?) along the way. But while one can easily say both are hot and delicious, in this hypothetical, you may choose only one:
So which is it: Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?
Images via Getty.