Calvin Harris, a simple Scottish DJ, is dating Taylor Swift as the result of mutual human attraction. He gushed about the excitement of media interest in their relationship like any boyfriend would in a recent interview with KISS FM (via the Daily Mail).

“It’s going absolutely fantastic,” the 31-year-old said to radio personalities, referring, of course, not to some off-the-books arrangement whereby, for the obvious benefits of a raised public profile and the unofficial endorsement of Party A, Party B consents to publicly “date” Party A for a period of [REDACTED] months, during which time Party B must make themselves available for no less than: 10 (ten) red carpet appearances, 8 (eight) public “dates,” and 2 (two) surprise concert appearances (**monthly schedule MUST be submitted minimum one week in advance to Party A’s management team for approval**), but to his private romantic life with Taylor Swift that he enjoys.

The media is fascinated by Calvin Harris’ new life and Calvin Harris, it seems, is fascinated by the media: “It’s interesting because obviously there’s different things written about it every day and even if we don’t do anything publicly for a while, someone will make something up.”

A burden every celebrity, hmm, couple tolerates. But isn’t Calvin Harris worried that the media circus surrounding his passionate love affair with Tyler Swift (Oh, Taylor? Taylor.) might eventually put a strain on their relationship?

Not a bit. In fact, the media could devote even more energy to publicizing the comings, goings, and achievements of Calvin Harris (and him dating Taylor Swift), and all that would do would be make Calvin Harris happy.

“For me it could be a lot worse and I’d still be like insanely happy with her, so I’m good with it.”

You think it’s possible to promote Calvin Harris too heavily, media? Well go ahead and try. He dares you.

By the way, before you lose interest, did you know that sometimes Calvin Harris and Taylor Swift really do hang out, even if there’s no photographic proof of it? Even if you can’t believe in a trillion years they would? Yes—they do:

“There’s a whole bunch of times where we’ve been hanging out and nobody’s clocked it. It’s not like every single time we go out, we get a photograph taken of us.”

Aarrgh, hah. I’m actually talking to Ms. Swift I mean my girlfriend Taylor on the phone right now. Would you like to say hi—ahh, what’s that? Oh no—hel—hello? Ah, it seems she has gone through a tunnel.

He continued, going off on a dreamy tangent about the press’s obsession with cooking up “ridiculous” stories about his private relationship—a relationship that is maintained exclusively for its private benefits of mutual affection and support:

“‘It does get more and more ridiculous, from me apparently being allergic to cats or Taylor and I are moving in together or we’re getting married next week.”

Now Calvin Harris and Taylor are moving in together? Now Calvin Harris and Taylor are getting married? Now Taylor is buying Calvin Harris a Mercedes-Benz 230 SL? Now Taylor is buying Calvin Harris a Lamborghini Murciélago? Now Calvin Harris is being knighted by the Queen for being a topnotch DJ? What ridiculous beautiful dreams will the press concoct next?

Calvin Harris doesn’t have time to think about all that. Right now, he is focused on one goal only: being an outstanding boyfriend—a boyfriend whose performance of public boyfriend duties can invite no complaint—to Taylor Swift, for purely romantic reasons.

At the end of the day, the key to maintaining a successful relationship with this global mega star is for Calvin Harris to keep a clear perspective.

“It’s a lot but you’ve just got to take it how it is which is that it’s a news story that people read but it’s just not real life.”

It’s a news story that people read, but it’s just not real life.


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