Being a stagehand is about to become the new hot profession; talking bears are the new vampires; Ron Swanson is a shoplifter of Kotex; and a beloved TV character returns to the small screen!

  • On the heels of the New York Opera closing its doors, Carnegie Hall had to cancel its opening-night gala due to a stagehand strike. The most shocking part of this article? More than one Carnegie Hall stage hand makes upwards of $400,000 a year. [NYT]
  • No matter how hard we beg, Seth Macfarlane won't just go away already. Ted 2 sets a release date for June 2015. Go home Seth, you're drunk. [Variety]
  • Nick Offerman used to steal tampons, presumably because a real gentleman always has spare feminine products on hand for ladyfriend emergencies. [YouTube]
  • Sonic the Hedgehog is returning to TV this fall. My coworkers spent much of yesterday telling me why I should not have a pet hedgehog. Pretty sure they'll feel differently after this. [THR]

Breakdowns is a daily roundup of all the news that wasn't interesting enough to deserve two paragraphs.