If you are not watching the heroic men and women keeping our borders safe in the dramatic ABC show Homeland Security, then realize that you are missing the single most asinine show on television.

I had the good fortune to mistakenly watch this show last night, so let me just describe for you two instances of drama and intrigue, accompanied by copious dramatic music and editing, that went down in this one episode, and which were broadcast out to the world, by choice, to illustrate the dramatic perils the Homeland Security department faces while keeping us safe:

• A dude coming into America claimed to be an American. Turned out to be true.
• Somebody attempted to bring a sandwich into the USA.

If you do not believe me please watch the video above, which is three minutes of dramatic patriotic intrigue—as well as peril—lovingly edited by Gawker intern and anti-American Lauren Strupp.

Send an email to Hamilton Nolan, the author of this post, at Hamilton@gawker.com.