Dec 19, 2008 05:20 PM
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Hollywood, 10:53 AM
Thu Sep 2
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Apropos of nothing save the desire to inject a little cheer into your lives, we bring you now a shimmering pearl found inside the most unexpected of internet mollusk varieties: the Craigslist auto ad.
1997 Black Infiniti J30 4D Automatic with Leather and Moonroof. - $2200 (Koreatown)
129k miles. Two owners. All in all it’s a great car with a few minor mechanical and cosmetic issues:
The alternator needs to be replaced because it’s not charging the battery. My mechanic says it will cost around $250(parts and labor) to replace.
The body has a few small scratches and minor dings. No rust.
There is a deep crescent shaped scratch on the front windshield, left by the bottom edge of a formerly malfunctioning wiper blade. It’s barely noticeable except in direct sunlight and at night when illuminated by oncoming traffic.
There’s a small crack in the exhaust system that doesn’t seem to affect performance but it does give the car the idle of a much larger vehicle.
The front driver-side power window is not working but can be easily slid up and down with ones outstretched palm and a little finesse. All the other windows work perfectly (Except the rear drivers side window, which really doesn’t like to go down more than a quarter of the way.)
The Infiniti emblems in the center of each rim have pretty much faded away but they’d look nice spray painted black or covered with band stickers.
There’s something wrong with the fan belt. Again performance doesn’t seem to be affected much, though, when driven under 70mph, it does make a metallic shrieking noise like the Ringwraiths from the Lord of the Rings trilogy. If you haven’t seen those films then I suppose it sounds a lot like a pig being stabbed. This is nothing to worry about if you live in a bad neighborhood and don’t need to impress anyone.
The car has an amazing Bose CD/Tape player stereo system. The CD player works great. The tape deck on the other hand has an old mixtape lodged inside it, but who listens to tapes anymore really. Also the volume dial has become a bit finicky over the years. I don’t recommend playing with it as I have it set at a comfortable volume and even the slightest touch will turn the stereo up to it’s maximum volume. In case this happens, you should turn down both the bass and treble and balance/fade the stereo to the right rear speaker. In this state you should be able to listen to news or talk radio, if all the windows are down. Also some of the stereo’s important buttons are missing because of an incident with a very powerful coin operated vacuum. With a bit of practice though you’ll be able to work it just fine. And the retractable antenna no longer retracts but it keeps trying.
The under carriage guard is missing. More accurately, it was lost during a night of blackout drinking. Also part of the front passenger side wheel hub was lost that same night. I drove the car a distance of 5 miles without a front passenger tire and the sparks from my rim scrapping the road, lightly singed the paint on the front fender just above the wheel. Honestly this is just a theory as I was drinking that night as well. Rubbing compound and elbow grease should make it look a lot better.
On the bottom of the drivers side door there’s a small gash where I hit a broken cinder block a few years back. There’s a matching gash in roughly the same spot on the passenger side. That one just seemed to show up one day. Again, I recommend rubbing compound.
Despite the above cosmetic flaws the car looks great, inside and out, on misty nights, under a layer of dew. These nights are great for dates or business dinners where you’ll need to chauffeur clients. Generally speaking, most of the cars flaws will go unnoticed if your passenger has had more than 4-5 alcoholic beverages.
Recently Smogged
The interior is basically clean. On humid days though you might smell the slightest hint of goat cheese or stale milk, due in part, and this is just a guess, to a small amount of my girlfriend’s dried vomit hiding under the front passenger seat, where the coin-operated vacuum, mentioned above, could not reach.
The check engine light and abs brake service light are on but my mechanic assures me that it’s a fuse issue and not an engine or abs brake issue.
One of the best things about the car is that in its current condition you need not ever worry about it being stolen or messed with. In fact I once neglected to replace the front driver side window for four months, after it was shattered by two brawling teens. And in that time the car was not once burglarized or urinated in. I attribute this to the fact that my J30 projects a palpable menace. It’s the car of a violent crystal meth dealer or your new Korean girlfriend’s abusive ex-boyfriend.
If you’re interested in taking a look you can meet me on the 6th floor of the Arclight Hollywood’s parking structure where it failed to start after a showing of Gran Torino, staring Clint Eastwood. (A bit corny but actually not that bad)
The Kelley Blue book value for a 97 J30’s in good condition is $3,770, however I will entertain offers as low as $2200.
Thank You.
Shhh. Anything any of us could say right now will just diminish the afterglow.
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Republished from http://defamer.gawker.com
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