Who Will Host The Oscars?

The search for the next Oscars presenter may be nearing its end, as we are hearing whispers the Academy has settled upon an emcee for Hollywood's Most Glamorous Evening No One Bothers Tuning In To:

Deadline Hollywood Daily writes:

I hear that the Academy Of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences has chosen someone "way outside the box" to host the Oscars on February 22nd. And the person is not a TV personality or stand-up comedian. In addition, I've learned that this year's Academy Awards won't have the traditional segment of joke-telling near the start of the broadcast. I say, smart move: these one-liners are usually at the movie industry's expense and always so inside that the average TV viewer is left bewildered. The host is in the movie biz, I've confirmed.

Let's see: So it's going to be someone who exists way outside of the "being entertaining to watch" box, and the opening monologue is toast. Well—we can at least look forward to the musical numbers, montages, the Running of the Accountants, and the presentation of the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award (aka Oscar's do-gooding, sad clown cousin) to Jerry Lewis.

Let's now run down a list of likely candidates:

1. Steven Spielberg and Shia LaBeouf
Oh we're sorry—did they say "in the movie biz?" We thought they said "IS the movie biz," and who better to preside over Hollywood biggest night than its most influential creative force and his handsome, ball-thwacked muse. Take it away, fellas.

2. Mickey Rooney
Look, how many years does he have left? Let's bring him out from his regular Kodak Theater Seat in Balcony 3, Row YY, and put him up on stage where this living legend belongs!

3. Hugh Jackman
The guy does it all—sings, dances, high-kicks, marries Liza. Plus he's the Sexiest Man Alive! He's conquered the Tonys—it's now time for the big leagues.

4. Harvey Weinstein and Scott Rudin
So their movies aren't exactly setting any ballots on fire. Olive branches have been extended, and besides, is there anyone more Oscars-nighty than these two? And during that technical achievement lull at the third-way mark? They can emerge in singlets for a refereed demonstration of wrestling moves employed on the set of The Reader.

5. Dong
"If there a camera up in here asbestos freegom YOU TOO, YOUUU TOOO."

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