By Seth, 9:30 PM on Fri May 2 2008, 3,242 views (Edit, to draft, Top, Slurp)

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· Miley Cyrus is just a cog in the slutty-teen-covergirl machine. Deconstructing the furor, through the eyes of a sexually active minor. Only Donny Osmond saw it coming.
· An Oprah and Tom Reunion : The look in those eyes? That's fear. The teaser. The money shots.
· Great Moments in Western Civilization presents Paula Abdul Gives Up All Pretense of Trying To Come Off Like She Knows What the Fuck is Going On Around Her.
· People celebrates the 100 Most Beautiful. If you are not on this list, you may have dodged a bullet.
· "So remember the name Pellicano! For all your private investigating and shaking-down needs. You've been a great crowd. Good night!"
· Never given any thought to Rob Lowe's love of cockrings? Well, you can't say that anymore!
· David Blaine just held his breath a whole bunch and stuff.
· If you want to see the next The Dark Knight trailer, you can count the number of spigots on the Hollywood + Highland fountain as you patiently wait for a FedEx delivery. Or you can just click here.
· Uma Thurman's stalker is just a misunderstood creep...with a craft-loving side!
· Four directors who could make something interesting out of The Hobbit.
· Some trouble is brewing in The Lovely Bones's paradise.
· Little progress is made in the SAG talks.
· Sean Penn is definitely not going to make it to the Coachella '08 greatest hits reel.
· Gwyneth 2.0: All flashy hooker, all the time. Sensual Late Show rubdowns.
· Blindness opens Cannes with a Ruffaloesque flourish.
· "Ooh! I can feel the smack tingling!" "That means it's working, Angelina!"
· Diablo Cody musings on the ones.
· John Cusack's War Inc. as critically reviled as his last high-minded movie about the Iraq war.
· Yet further words to live by from those cretins on The Hills.
· You can lead the Sheen to the altar, but you can't make stop ordering cheerleader sluts in bulk.
· X marks Amy Smart's goodies on the set of Crank 2.
· Lost: The body hair question.