Dr. Drew appeared on The View today to update the world on the status of his Celebrity Rehab patients (tally: one jailed, one Scientology convert, the rest currently missing). The hosts had a difficult time swallowing one point in particular, being why anyone would allow such a difficult and deeply private journey to play out for reality TV cameras. Could it be as simple of Joy Behar's blunt assessment that these personalities are most addicted to celebrity itself?

But then how did Elisabeth Hasselbeck's introduction of the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle (as it turns out challenged, not advanced, by Albert Einstein) figure into the quandary? If Jeff Conaway and Brigitte Nielsen were put in a spaceship and launched at the speed of light on an intergalactic journey, would they come back looking any less like shit? Our mind is spinning. Damn you, Ugly Hasselbecky, and your grasp of quantum celebrity addiction physics!

• The View [ABC]

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