· The last thing standing between Britney Spears and a truly killer weekend is finally out of the way. The first carefree day. K-Fed wins the kids but loses depth perception. Hollywood lends a helping soundbite. The besides-the-point video premiere.
· The Week in Rape: Paramount would like to know where in The Kite Runner riders it said anything about clothing, feeding, and sheltering the violated Afghani kid until adulthood. Anand Jon Alexander makes it a round 20.
· Huge Showtime star Jeremy Piven whales on the Metal Skool skins.
· Cavemen not quite as sucky as you might have expected, but still pretty sucky.
· The extraordinary correspondences from Charlie to Denise.
· Howard K. Stern serves Rita Cosby with a $60 mil lawsuit.
· Today on Oprah: balls.
· David Letterman swats Paris Hilton around like he was a feral barn cat.
· Surrogate Rosie mom Barbara Walters—a closet stallophobic—steers her away from KY.
· Fortune pays a visit to the baby-munching factory.
· Tell Me You Watch Me For Something Besides the Fucking.
· The Sultan of Sleaze commits suicide.
· Defamer visits the WOW Gallery's Just Britney opening.
· Danny Bonaduce vs. Johnny Fairplay.
· Phil Spector's defense permanently rests.
· Isaiah Washington back and bigger than ever.

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