Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) has cut ties with Miss Teen USA Katie Blair for her reported underage carousing with Miss Temporarily Disgraced USA Tara Conner, but it's expected that she will quickly rebound to sign on as a spokesperson for Mothers Totally In Favor Of Hot And Horny Pageant Chicks Getting Coked Up And Making Out (MTIFOHAHPCGCUAMO).
Evangeline Lilly's Hawaiian house burnt down, but as Michelle Rodriguez has been off the show for a while, fire inspectors have already ruled out the possibility that conflagration was caused by a flaming mai-tai drinking contest gone horrible awry.
Christians prepare to protest the pregnant, virgin Komodo dragon expected to give birth around Christmas, claiming the reptile is making a mockery of the sacred holiday.
· Over at HuffPo, Studio 60's Steven Weber does his best impression of 30 Rock's Alec Baldwin.

Contact information for this author is not available.