The recent layoffs that swept the entertainment industry seem also to have reached the Fox lot, where we fear the entire Fox News Cafe Promotional Menu Department has been decimated by cutbacks. It's the only logical explanation for today's bill of fare supposedly celebrating 24's two-night, four-hour season premiere event. Feebly tied-in offerings like "pulse-racing pasta," "suspenseful sandwiches," and a "shocking" serving of Manhattan clam chowder make a mockery of the once-proud News Cafe theme-meal tradition. The most buzzed-about series on Fox's current schedule demands top-shelf effort, even if it results in an unappetizing, Bones-like misstep; better to overshoot the creative target with dishes like "Holy Shit! Did Jack Bauer Just Cut Off That Dude's Head? Meatloaf" then settle for the mediocrity of the "ticking clock combo." Fox execs better make sure that Kiefer Sutherland doesn't wander into the Cafe today, lest he express his rage at their promotional neglect by getting grievously drunk and asking permission to destroy the "Fucking CTU Salad Bar" in disgust.

The full menu is available after the jump for your sneering convenience:

Rotisserie THE NEWS CAFÉ – FRIDAY, JANUARY 13, 2006 TODAY'S MENU IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY 24 2 NIGHT, 4 HOUR SEASON PREMIERE BEGINS SUNDAY 8PM

TRY OUR FROZEN YOGURT FLAVOR OF THE WEEK
CHOCOLATE & VANILLA

Side Special:
PULSE-RACING PASTA
CREATE YOUR OWN 6.95
GARLIC BREAD AVAILABLE WITH ALL PASTA ENTREES
PROTEINS
HERB ROASTED CHICKEN, SEARED SALMON, TOFU, ITALIAN SAUSAGE, MEAT BALLS & GRILLED STEAK
TOPPINGS
CHOPPED ROMA TOMATOES, BROCCOLI, MUSHROOMS, SQUASH, ZUCCHINI, OLIVES, ARTICHOKE HEARTS, EGGPLANT,
BELL PEPPERS, ONIONS, CARROTS & SPINACH
PASTAS
LINGUINI, SPAGHETTI, ROTELLI & PENNE
SAUCE
ROASTED GARLIC ALFREDO, PESTO, MEAT SAUCE & MARINARA

Pizza Oven

Oven
Sandwiches
SUSPENSEFUL SANDWICHES
FEATURING PREMIUM BOAR'S HEAD MEATS
CREATE YOUR OWN SANDWICH
TURKEY, ROAST BEEF, HAM, TUNA SALAD,
CHICKEN SALAD, EGG SALAD 5.00

SENSATIONAL SANDWICH SPECIAL 5.50
BUFFALO CHICKEN

CLIFF-HANGER COMBO: ADD CHIPS & FOUNTAIN DRINK
5.75* TAX INCLUDED
Pasta
EXPLOSIVE ENTRÉES
LEMON GINGER GLAZED CHICKEN 4.95

EXHILARATING ENTREES
LEMON GINGER GLAZED SOY CHICKEN 4.95

SIDES
CHOW MEIN 1.00
FRIED RICE 1.00
STIR FRIED VEGETABLE MEDLEY 1.00

SHOCKING SOUP SELECTION
MANHATTAN CLAM CHOWDER 2.50

TICKING CLOCK COMBO: VEGETARIAN ENTREE, ONE SIDE & FOUNTAIN DRINK
5.95* TAX INCLUDED

COUNTDOWN COMBO: CHEFS ENTREE, ONE SIDE & FOUNTAIN DRINK
5.95* TAX INCLUDED

Salad Bar
CTU SALAD BAR
TANDOORI CHICKEN & LEMON VINAIGRETTE
SIDE SALAD
CHOICE OF SALAD 1.50
CREATE YOUR OWN SALAD BAR
4.00 SMALL SALAD BAR, 5.00 MEDIUM SALAD BAR, 6.50 LARGE SALAD BAR

THE COMMISSARY – FRIDAY, JANUARY 13, 2006
TODAY'S MENU IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY
24
2 NIGHT, 4 HOUR SEASON PREMIERE
BEGINS SUNDAY 8PM

CLIFF-HANGER COMBOS

WINTER VALUE COMBO: SUPERCHARGED SALAD BAR, FRY WORKS & A MEDIUM FOUNTAIN DRINK, 5.50 TAX INCLUDED,
SORRY NO SUBSTITUTIONS.

WINTER VALUE COMBO: FAST-PACED FOCACCIA TURKEY PASTRAMI SANDWICH, FRY WORKS & A MEDIUM FOUNTAIN DRINK, 5.50 TAX INCLUDED,
SORRY NO SUBSTITUTIONS.

WINTER VALUE COMBO: PHENOMENAL PHILLY CHEESE STEAK SANDWICH, FRY WORKS & A MEDIUM FOUNTAIN DRINK, 5.50 TAX INCLUDED, SORRY NO SUBSTITUTIONS.

NAIL-BITING BOSTON CLAM CHOWDER

SIZZLING SLOW ROASTED TOP ROUND OF BEEF

CONSPIRACY CRAB CAKES, TARTAR SAUCE

SUPERCHARGED SALAD BAR

• Previously: Fox News Cafe: I Eat Dead People [Defamer]

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