Wherein we gesture to our idiot-savantastic readership to take their seats in the front row of the humpy E! gossip instructor Ted Casablanca's SAT preparation class and darken with a #2 lead pencil the oval which best completes the comparison: stairwell is to cater-waiter as boning is to blank. Consider all possible answers before answering One Aptitude-Measuring Blind Vice:

Ted sez: "If I were you, I wouldn't invite Jordache Junky to your son's bar mitzvah. She might lure him into a stairwell and do him. Now, don't get me wrong, girlfriends. Most boys would be thrilled to get into J2's prissy undies. I mean, she's been in, like, a million movies, many of which young boys just worship.That's why I can't believe what she pulled at a Hollywood bash last week. Gulp. There's no delicate way to put it, so here goes: J.J. banged a cater-waiter. And she didn't take him home in a doggie bag. Nope, J.J. jumped this dude's bones in the damn stairwell." Read the item.

You say: Your guesses after the jump:

You say: Radcliffe here you come! An overwhelming majority of you pointed your MAC-coated, file-sharpened, collective index fingernail at Brittany Murphy. As one of you bright young scholars so eloquently put it in the essay and reading comprehension section: "It can only be Brittany Murphy, no? The crappy movies, the failed relationships, the drug addiction, not to mention a Jordache spokemodel. (gag)" A perfect 800 in verbal to you, my dear!

UPDATE: Brittany Murphy's reps officially deny that she's Casablanca's Jordache Junky.

You also say: Showing a respectable, if solidly second place, standing is Kirsten Dunst, but to the young lady who provided supporting arguments in the form a single "Duh," I say there is definitely room for improvement.

You also say: Also accused of sampling the cocktail wieners a little too enthusiastically: Lindsay Lohan, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Hilary Duff and Amanda Bynes.

And the Tara Reid Memorial "Skankopoly" Item Goes To: Tara Reid.

Thanks for playing!

• One Step-by-Skanky-Step Blind Vice [E! Online]

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