Usually there's no point in linking to something in The Onion, as we believe the terms of service of the internets require every user to visit the site five times a week, but when matters of Michael Bay are involved, all bets are off. We can't take the chance that you might miss the fauxteur's fake-itorial, "What Has Our Society Come To When March of the Penguins Is The Blockbuster Hit of the Summer?":

What kind of a world do we live in when a futuristic techno-thriller starring Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson as escaped clones on levitating jet bikes doesn't outgross the shit out of a glorified Discovery Channel rerun? Don't people realize how much money I spent? How many people it took to bring that vision to the screen? Do people realize how many rewrites and punch-ups we went through? I paid my writers millions of dollars, and they were some of the best in the biz. You know who wrote their script? A bunch of birds. [...]

I'm busy in pre-production planning my next big spectacle (which no one will see because they'll be off watching a 10-hour documentary on park squirrels, no doubt). But if you are in the San Diego area, do me this favor: Go to Sea World, walk into the emperor-penguin exhibit, and punch one those fuckers right in the face. Tell 'em Michael Bay sent ya.

At least the real-life Michael Bay can take some solace in the fact that, barring some incredible evolutionary leap, penguins will never be able to drive a bitchin' Ferrarri or properly stage a fiery symphony of exploding, somersaulting autombiles on the 405.

ADVANTAGE: Bay.

• What Has Our Society Come To When March of the Penguins is the Blockbuster Hit of the Summer? [The Onion]

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