We all know how MPAA chief Jack Valenti feels about pirates. His dreams are haunted with visions of eye-patched buccaneers coming to rape away precious box office dollars from Shrek 2, and he'll natter on to anyone in earshot about the coming evil of widespread, improved broadband internet access, the movie pirate's equivalent of a 10-inch cock.
Now Valenti warns that the film industry might start filing lawsuits against movie downloaders, just like the music industry. "If all of our efforts over the next several months do not show an ameliorization of [piracy], we are not ruling out lawsuits," said Valenti at Cannes, taking a sip of Evian before continuing. "The fate of the human race is at stake. Soon, the pirates will cross-breed themselves into the species, choking out the movie-ticket buying DNA in each of us, and leaving a new race that plunders itself into extinction. On the other hand, the pretty parrots will thrive."