Monday Morning Box Office: Van Helsing Not An Unmitigated Disaster

Take refuge in the numbers that make us all momentarily forget about people half a world away being dressed in garbage bag Batman costumes without the benefit of Joel Schumaker's loving direction:

1. Van Helsing — $54.2 million
Let's not be too impressed by Van Helsing's opening take. Last May, Warner Brothers released Tara Reid Throwing Up Her Champagne Brunch on the same 3,575 screens and did $56 million.

2. Mean Girls — $14 million
Tina Fey didn't direct Mean Girls, so how did it become Tina Fey's movie? She wrote herself a part where she takes off her shirt in front of a room full of teenagers.

3. Man on Fire — $7.9 million
It took Man on Fire grabbing third place for us to realize the only logical explanation: Denzel Washington is actually cleverly disguised hot jailbait.

4. New York Minute — $6.2 million
That the Big Olsen Twins Movie didn't break $10 million is just more proof that tough statutory perv laws do work. Also, we're not quite sure which one of the set is going to be the Corey Feldman and which the Corey Haim, but the process of figuring it out is sure to be magnificent.

5. 13 Going On 30 — $5.5 million
Trying to keep her riding the crest of the enormous teen-buzz wave, Jennifer Garner's agent is having her replace (ex)boyfriend Michael Vartan with a seventh-grade meth addict from Encino High.