The Projectionist: Summer Blockbuster Kickoff Weekend

Ah, Movie Summer... It's the time for blockbusters, huge budget overruns, and disappointing sequels. Our predictions for the official beginning of Hollywood's pandering season:

1. Van Helsing — $48 million
Okay, it's Not-So-Blockbuster Kickoff Weekend. Others are predicting bigger numbers since Van Helsing doesn't have any serious competition this weekend. But because the buzz is so bad and there's no "2" in the title, we're not going to go crazy. We'll be half-expecting Hugh Jackman to bust out the love theme from "The Boy From Oz" before staking a vampire through the heart. Looks more like League of Extraordinary Gentlemen than X-Men.

2. Mean Girls — $14 million
Tina Fey's Jailbait Spectacular has legs. And Lindsay Lohan has a spectacular...18th birthday in July. You're all fucking sickos.

3. New York Minute — $11 million
Since we vastly prefer the Lohans of the world to anorexic-looking, split-zygote dizygotic types who could buy and sell us like human cattle, no jokes about the weekend's lesser jailbait offering. Tired of counting the piles of cash from their straight-to-video and pencil-case empire, the Olsen Twins inflict big-screen suffering on the tweens of America and the parents who must appease them.

4. Man on Fire — $9 million
Denzel Washington Goes Righteously Apeshit goes to seven figures.

5. 13 Going On 30 — $7 million
Thank God that someone is finally providing enough product to satisfy America's teenage girls.

Not In the Top Five, and Therefore Irrelevant: Laws of Attraction. No one wants to see two people over 40 fucking.