The Jessica Simpson Pilot: A Study in Vegetative Intelligence

We obtained a copy of ABC's Jessica Simpson sitcom pilot (the tentatively and eponymously titled Jessica) and with the help of some toothpicks propped under the eyelids, managed to sit through its 22 minute run.

Quick background: Simpson plays a character based on her real-life self named "Jessica SAMPSON" (caps ours), who has an offscreen boyfriend named "Vic." Jessica lands a job as a correspondent for a morning show because she's tired of endlessly touring. The show is staffed by appropriately clichéd sitcom characters: there's a neuter/possibly gay Chandler type who pines after Jessica, a stuffy anchor in the Jim Dial/Murphy Brown mode, a plucky-but-still-hot-but-supposedly-not-as-hot-as-Jessica producer with a cute name (Halle).

We understand the need of a pilot episode to strike a tricky balance between establishing the premise, introducing what passes for characters, and delivering laughs. That being said, this was the most excruciating television viewing experience we've ever had, and once we screened Rock Me Baby during a ball (or labia) waxing. There was but a single laugh in the episode, but we can't remember the joke because the incessant references to Jessica's rhododendron-level intellect did indeed make us dumber just by watching.

Oh yes, there were frequent mentions of her rack. There's that.

Look for Jessica to be a big hit. For a show this bad, it seems inevitable that it will be picked up and dominate a Friday night timeslot.