The Swan Returns to Take America's "Fives" Away

Fox's The Swan, the makeover show that takes so-called "ugly ducklings," slaps enormous, fake tits on them, then prods the better experiment results into a Frankenstein's bride beauty pageant, has been picked up for a second season. They've already begun casting for the second edition's scalpel-fodder.

The show's eligibility requirements are available online at The Swan's casting website (example: "You must not be a candidate for public office." Sorry, John Kerry, no free Botox!), as is the contestant application. But we don't recommend filling it out without the supervision of a professional therapist — some of the questions might trigger repressed episodes of abuse ("Is there anything in your past that you wish you could change?") or a visit from Child Protective Services ("Who would watch your kids if you are gone for up to six months?"). The probably should have thought to ask, "Who's going to get custody of the kids once you're way too hot to continue fucking your 300-pound, accountant husband?"