According to the Sun, Nicolas Cage is now engaged to a 19 year-old sushi waitress after a whirlwind, two-month courtship. The details are a little sketchy here: the Sun claims Nick picked her up in her restaurant, Sushi Avenue, which we've never heard of.

What's really made us skeptical is this line, from one of the Sun's sources: β€œIt’s not every day a hard-up waitress is swept off her feet by a Hollywood movie star.” Not every day? There's a waitress pick-up stand at the Sunset Boulevard In N Out Burger.

But if it's true, can you really blame Cage? How far would you go to erase the memory of having Michael Jackson's sloppy seconds? This is almost certainly preferable to the knee-jerk reaction of burning off your genitals with a hot fireplace poker.