Read the numbers and go about your day pretending as if anything else really matters.
1. Man on Fire — $23 million
Denzel has his biggest opening ever. We could've sworn that the one where he lays paralyzed in the hospital bed and suggestively wiggles his finger near Angelina Jolie's no-Thornton zone did better.
2. 13 Going on 30 — $22 million
We can envision the extraordinarily brief pitch meeting which sold this movie: "Big with tits," then the sound of a cash register cha-ching!
3. Kill Bill, Vol. 2 — $10.4 million
Visionary director/unstoppable movie-promoting robot Quentin Tarantino suffers a second-week drop-off of whatever percentage bringing in $15 million less works out to. Don't worry, Miramax will still clean up on the expected fifteen different DVD releases to follow KB's box office run.
4. The Punisher — $6.1 million
All of these revenge flicks reminds us of 1990's glut of lambada movies. The Punisher is certainly playing Lambada to Man on Fire's The Forbidden Dance. Maybe Thomas Jane can prepare for his next role in the advanced Brazilian dance class at Arthur Murray.
5. Home on the Range — $3.4 million
$3.4 million doesn't even pay for the shareholder-repelling electric fence embattled Disney CEO/survival expert Michael Eisner has installed around the perimeter of his office.