Wherein we attempt to translate the humpy gabber's gossipspeak into Standard American English:
On the off-screen relationship Alias stars Jennifer Garner and Michael Vartan:
...I've heard from more Alias vets, both on and off the record. Everybody's screaming bloody bitchings at my un-Botoxed puss, and this can mean only one thing: Wrinkles def exist in this real-life-meets-make-believe sitch.
Standard American English:
The couple's co-workers from the set of Alias have told Ted, who has not had the muscles in his face paralyzed by the cosmetic application of botulinum toxin, that Garner and Vartan's real-life relationship may be coming to an end. Ted uses the "wrinkles" as a double-entendre referring both this his forehead and the lovers' reputed relationship problems.
Bonus glossary item:
soosh: sushi, a cuisine wildly popular with the Hollywood crowd