Earlier today, we made a crack about Ashton Kutcher's, ahem, mature taste in female companionship. This, of course, was before we learned that Mr. Punk'd is actually 5,782 years old. OK, it's in Kabbalah years, but still. As the kids say, that's hella old.

We're not exactly sure how we might figure out or confirm Kutcher's Kabbalah age, but humbly suggest that someone cut him in half and count the rings. Oh, Kabbalah, we celebrate your mysteries. When you're not breaking up Madonna's friendships, you're turning overexposed, baby-faced heathrob types into wizened old geezers.