Wherein we attempt to translate the humpy gabber's gossipspeak into Standard American English:

On Angelina Jolie's recent sex life:

Ted sez:

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"We don't discuss her private life," snipped a repper for the semi-raunchy Oscar nabber. Then: click.

Damn! I'm just a columnist trying to do his mattress duty here. I'm not calling to ask if Ms. J. cheated on her taxes, ka-peesh?

Standard American English:

The publicist of the Oscar-winning, sometimes controversial Ms. Jolie issued a "no comment" to the inquiry into her client's intimate affairs, then hung up the telephone. Mr. Casablanca explains that he's just trying to execute due diligence as a gossip reporter, not trying to find evidence of legal wrongdoing, such as income tax evasion. He then uses a phonetic bastardization of the Italian word capische, which translates as "Do you understand?"

Now we do, Ted.

The Awful Truth [E! Online]